Tomorrow is the day. I'm tendering my resignation, giving a month's notice. I've been struggling with this decision for over a year. I have prayed and asked for God's wisdom, talked it through with hubby, and asked for input from friends and other wise counselors. It is unanimous.
From the outside it may look crazy. In many people's eyes, I have the perfect job. Nice salary, good benefits, short commute, flexible hours, spot on the executive team, the trust of the CEO/owner, almost eight years of tenure and the vacation that goes with that. It is very convenient, safe, and familiar. But what the job itself has evolved into, I dread most days. Money, convenience and my need for security are the only things still keeping me there. I am truly blessed to have the option to give this up, and I know that for many, there is not an option like that. It hasn't always been for me either.
I have had a mounting sense that I no longer was supposed to be there that gets so strong it literally leaves me speechless. I know that God has something better than money and convenience ahead. I'm a planner at heart, but I don't know the details of the plan this time. That's hard, but I'm going to open myself up to letting it not be my plan this time.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
The Differences
I went to a ladies retreat with a friend and her mother-in-law (I'll call her MIL) on Friday/Saturday. We roomed together, and had a wonderful time. MIL is a delightful lady who has Type 2. I have Type 1. Spending some time with her really brought it home how these are such different diseases. Each has it's own unique challenges, but it's hard to fathom how they can be discussed in the same breath. Sort of like if I mentioned that I went to a game at the American Airlines center (our local indoor professional sports venue). I'd have to tell you what kind of game it was -- hockey or basketball -- Stars or Mavericks -- in order for us to have a meaningful conversation about it. That is, if any conversation about either sport is meaningful. OK, so that's a whole 'nother suject (hope my hubby doesn't read this)!
MIL recently started on Byetta, but decided not to bring it to the retreat with her since it has to be refrigerated. I wore my insulin pump and brought an extra vial of insulin and 2 set changes with all the accessories, an extra vial of test strips, and extra batteries for the pump just in case (for a one night stay). MIL gets her Byetta from a mail order pharmacy, I get my insulin from a local pharmacy because I don't want to take the chance on a screw up via mail order, or on not being able to get a quick refill if I drop a bottle. I asked MIL how often she tests. She said she hasn't been lately, but needs to get back to checking it in the mornings. I tested six times on Saturday to make sure I stayed in range to feel as good as possible so I could enjoy the retreat. We talked about food, and she works to spread her carbs out over the day. I do to a certain extent, but feel more free in varying the carb count since I know I can compensate w/ insulin. She seems to feel some guilt about her diagnosis. I don't.
Of course, we are two individuals, and there would likely be differences between us even if our conditions were switched. We each have our own unique struggles, but these are two drastically different diseases that should never be discussed as one. That, among other things, was very clear this weekend.
MIL recently started on Byetta, but decided not to bring it to the retreat with her since it has to be refrigerated. I wore my insulin pump and brought an extra vial of insulin and 2 set changes with all the accessories, an extra vial of test strips, and extra batteries for the pump just in case (for a one night stay). MIL gets her Byetta from a mail order pharmacy, I get my insulin from a local pharmacy because I don't want to take the chance on a screw up via mail order, or on not being able to get a quick refill if I drop a bottle. I asked MIL how often she tests. She said she hasn't been lately, but needs to get back to checking it in the mornings. I tested six times on Saturday to make sure I stayed in range to feel as good as possible so I could enjoy the retreat. We talked about food, and she works to spread her carbs out over the day. I do to a certain extent, but feel more free in varying the carb count since I know I can compensate w/ insulin. She seems to feel some guilt about her diagnosis. I don't.
Of course, we are two individuals, and there would likely be differences between us even if our conditions were switched. We each have our own unique struggles, but these are two drastically different diseases that should never be discussed as one. That, among other things, was very clear this weekend.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Giving In
Today, was our quarterly planning session for work. The weather was springlike, and I had been staring out the conference room winow from 38 floors up much of the afternoon thinking of what it would be like to be outside, rather than discussing new products and team dysfunctions.
When we finished up at about 4 pm, I felt truly blessed by the opportunity to dash home and head out for a run in the park. Sort of like I was getting away with something naughty but fun even though none of us were heading back to the office. BG had been running high all day, and before I left for home it registered 228. Not great, but a good run should bring it down. So I cut my basal in half and drove home.
Changed clothes, leashed dog #4 (Katie, my running buddy), and headed out. Walked a little to warm up and then we started to run. Felt absolutely devoid of energy from the get-go, but figured I just needed to get the kinks worked out, get into the groove, or maybe find just the right song on my ipod. A half mile later, felt even less energetic. Thought "no way could I be low coming off that 228 and a reduced basal". Then I noticed that I was getting dizzy and felt detached from my body. The meter was at home, so I ate four glucose tabs and made a turn that would take me home. Katie was acting awful and trying to veer into the yards along the way...definitely NOT helping.
I got home in some state that felt like floating and lumbering all at the same time, and registered at 56 on the Flash meter. Not that bad, but that was after 16 grams of glucose about 10 minutes before. Made half a peanut butter and banana sandwich and sat down, just in time for hubby to arrive home. He asked if I was low, and I said yes. I don't know why, but peanut butter is a favorite low chaser for me, and he knows this.
Instead of treating the low and then getting on with life, I gave in to it this time. Told hubby that I wanted to skip the gym tonight, to which he was totally agreeable. I felt terrible, still devoid of any energy or drive to accomplish anything. It is such a desparate and out of control feeling. When my BG is coming back up, I have a tendency to get cold, so I covered up and invited Katie to lay down with me. We napped for about 20 minutes, and then got up to make a dinner of frozen thin crust pizza and watch American Idol.
Giving in to a low like that, skipping a workout night, and not marching on feels like a defeat in some ways. But on some level it also feels like a victory in allowing myself to be vulnerable and human. This disease is a teacher in forgiving myself and others, and for that I am grateful. But it is also a b-i-t-c-h!
When we finished up at about 4 pm, I felt truly blessed by the opportunity to dash home and head out for a run in the park. Sort of like I was getting away with something naughty but fun even though none of us were heading back to the office. BG had been running high all day, and before I left for home it registered 228. Not great, but a good run should bring it down. So I cut my basal in half and drove home.
Changed clothes, leashed dog #4 (Katie, my running buddy), and headed out. Walked a little to warm up and then we started to run. Felt absolutely devoid of energy from the get-go, but figured I just needed to get the kinks worked out, get into the groove, or maybe find just the right song on my ipod. A half mile later, felt even less energetic. Thought "no way could I be low coming off that 228 and a reduced basal". Then I noticed that I was getting dizzy and felt detached from my body. The meter was at home, so I ate four glucose tabs and made a turn that would take me home. Katie was acting awful and trying to veer into the yards along the way...definitely NOT helping.
I got home in some state that felt like floating and lumbering all at the same time, and registered at 56 on the Flash meter. Not that bad, but that was after 16 grams of glucose about 10 minutes before. Made half a peanut butter and banana sandwich and sat down, just in time for hubby to arrive home. He asked if I was low, and I said yes. I don't know why, but peanut butter is a favorite low chaser for me, and he knows this.
Instead of treating the low and then getting on with life, I gave in to it this time. Told hubby that I wanted to skip the gym tonight, to which he was totally agreeable. I felt terrible, still devoid of any energy or drive to accomplish anything. It is such a desparate and out of control feeling. When my BG is coming back up, I have a tendency to get cold, so I covered up and invited Katie to lay down with me. We napped for about 20 minutes, and then got up to make a dinner of frozen thin crust pizza and watch American Idol.
Giving in to a low like that, skipping a workout night, and not marching on feels like a defeat in some ways. But on some level it also feels like a victory in allowing myself to be vulnerable and human. This disease is a teacher in forgiving myself and others, and for that I am grateful. But it is also a b-i-t-c-h!
Saturday, February 17, 2007
New Endoc Visit
After going to the same endoc for over 10 years, I went to a new one this week. I got my A1C results in 7 minutes, as opposed to waiting over a month to get them from the previous endoc. Also got my cholesterol results right there. A1C was 6.5. down a smidge from 6.6 last time. At least I'm consistent. Total cholesterol 170, and HDL (the good kind) over 100. I guess the exercise is working since my HDL was in the 70's last time. Newbie doc seemed knowledgable, but not pushy or arrogant.
Noone wanted to download my meter. I offered it to the nurse, but she declined. The doc asked about my sick day mgmt plan, which is a good thing to review every so often. Since I knew about basal testing, insulin to carb ratios and correction factors, he commented that I had already been well trained, and didn't really offer any suggestions. We did talk a little about how I handle exercise, but no new suggestions. We talked about options for replacing my pump and I got current #'s for the local pump reps. We talked about the pros and cons of CGM. He is close to home and work, affiliated with my local hospital of choice, and knows my other doctors. He checks cholesterol at every visit. And he will not insist on seeing me every quarter, and said every 6 mos is OK. Ran some other lab work with results to come later.
Overall, I think it went well and am comfy making this change, but I still left feeling just a little let down. This is such a self-managed disease, and most of me is really glad for that since I'm pretty independent by nature. But there is another small part that would like to feel that someone knows some tricks that I don't. Or that someone wants to look with me at the downloads from my meter and help me to differentiate the forrest from the trees. The only person who has ever done that with me was my dietitian/cde, who is now working for Abbott. I think I miss that a little bit.
Noone wanted to download my meter. I offered it to the nurse, but she declined. The doc asked about my sick day mgmt plan, which is a good thing to review every so often. Since I knew about basal testing, insulin to carb ratios and correction factors, he commented that I had already been well trained, and didn't really offer any suggestions. We did talk a little about how I handle exercise, but no new suggestions. We talked about options for replacing my pump and I got current #'s for the local pump reps. We talked about the pros and cons of CGM. He is close to home and work, affiliated with my local hospital of choice, and knows my other doctors. He checks cholesterol at every visit. And he will not insist on seeing me every quarter, and said every 6 mos is OK. Ran some other lab work with results to come later.
Overall, I think it went well and am comfy making this change, but I still left feeling just a little let down. This is such a self-managed disease, and most of me is really glad for that since I'm pretty independent by nature. But there is another small part that would like to feel that someone knows some tricks that I don't. Or that someone wants to look with me at the downloads from my meter and help me to differentiate the forrest from the trees. The only person who has ever done that with me was my dietitian/cde, who is now working for Abbott. I think I miss that a little bit.
Saturday, February 3, 2007
Wellness Program or Intrusion?
On Friday, I and a couple of others from my company met with a sales rep from a national chain of health clubs that is venturing into the wellness and health insurance brokerage arena. They can bring folks in to do blood draws and adminster health risk assessment questionaires to our employees, and then provide each employee with a nice color booklet with their results, explanations, and graphs. They will also provide the company with a composite snapshot of the same, just with no names associated, so we might know what wellness activities to target. For folks who have severly out of range test result(s), they will have a nurse call the employee to recommend a course of action (likely...get thee to a doctor). So far I'm OK with all of that.
From there we started to talk dollars and measurements. We asked...if the company invests in these things, how do we know its doing any good and can it help with our health insurance rates? Mr. Sales Rep suggests offering incentives...those who participate pay a lower percentage of their insurance premiums than those who don't. One of the offerings is a "life coach" who will help employees who are identified through the testing as at risk or with health conditions. The employee will talk to their life coach and get pointers on managing their condition or risk factors.
At this point, my business hat is pushed aside as the hair stands up on the back of my neck. I maintain my cool, but inside am thinking...no way, no how, do I want someone from a call center who probably doesn't know anything about me or the difference between T1 and T2 "coaching" me. I can hear it all now...
I guess this is a selfish view, because I know that there are folks who would be helped, primarily those who have not sought out information about their conditions or risks on their own. But the thought of spending more time on diabetes, especially if it does not help, is enough to make me want to scream.
From there we started to talk dollars and measurements. We asked...if the company invests in these things, how do we know its doing any good and can it help with our health insurance rates? Mr. Sales Rep suggests offering incentives...those who participate pay a lower percentage of their insurance premiums than those who don't. One of the offerings is a "life coach" who will help employees who are identified through the testing as at risk or with health conditions. The employee will talk to their life coach and get pointers on managing their condition or risk factors.
At this point, my business hat is pushed aside as the hair stands up on the back of my neck. I maintain my cool, but inside am thinking...no way, no how, do I want someone from a call center who probably doesn't know anything about me or the difference between T1 and T2 "coaching" me. I can hear it all now...
Me: Hi Coach, I cannot figure out why my overnight basal rates are working some nights and not others. Some morings I wake up at 120, and others at 225. What gives?
Coach: Carol, we would suggest that you take your insulin as presribed and get exercise at least 3 times a week. Oh, and 120 is above the clinical guidelines for fasting glucose, you may want to see your doctor.
Me: I know that, I pump Novolog, run 20 miles a week and lift weights 2 to 3 times. Now could we get back to my basal rates?
Coach: What is a basal rate, and what does inflating your tires have to do with anything?
Me: Slams the phone down, knowing I will be labeled as noncompliant and that I'll pay more for my health insurance because I don't want to participate in the wellnes program.
I guess this is a selfish view, because I know that there are folks who would be helped, primarily those who have not sought out information about their conditions or risks on their own. But the thought of spending more time on diabetes, especially if it does not help, is enough to make me want to scream.
Friday, January 26, 2007
To Ski or Not to Ski
Here I am heading towards a nice bonus at work after a very tumultous career year, and hubby's job now includes flight benefits (which we thought were gone forever....whole 'nother story). So I'm thinking, cool, good year for a ski trip with the girls. Except the "girls" are my friend, her sister, and her sister's friend. And my friend is going on a cruise and then having shoulder surgery that has a long recovery. Screech....there goes the ski trip.
Or does it? I found a "Ski Camp" just for women in Utah. Looks like a good growth experience seeing as how I'm a low intermediate chicken of a skier with delusions of grandeur AND a strong introvert. I rarely fall because I take very few risks. I only ski about once every 3 years, but dream of it often. This camp is for intermediate to advanced skiers and I will likely be outclassed. It says you will be encouraged to go to the next level. Four days of on-mountain instruction and challenge, demos, opportunities to learn to telemark or snowshoe, yoga in the mornings, tips from pros, welcome cocktails, closing banquet. Sounds overwhelming in a way, but somehow I'm drawn to it (is this like a mosquito heading for the bug zapper?).
So why am I hesitating? It's expensive and I've tried to play the "thrifty spouse" card. But my incredible hubby says go for it. I thought work might be a problem, but I got the days off approved today. Everyone I have asked is encouraging me to go.
So is part of it diabetes? What if....I get up there all by myself and have a severe low? How will my BG's react to 4 days of very different activity? What basal rate will I use? What if I crash and burn and ruin my pump? What if I have a series of lows, have to stop to eat and recover and slow the group down? What if....I get hurt, and noone knows how to take care of me and my diabetes?
All of these are thoughts I would not have had before diabetes. So I have to wonder.... how many of my life choices are being shaped by it? Will I let this be one of them?
Or does it? I found a "Ski Camp" just for women in Utah. Looks like a good growth experience seeing as how I'm a low intermediate chicken of a skier with delusions of grandeur AND a strong introvert. I rarely fall because I take very few risks. I only ski about once every 3 years, but dream of it often. This camp is for intermediate to advanced skiers and I will likely be outclassed. It says you will be encouraged to go to the next level. Four days of on-mountain instruction and challenge, demos, opportunities to learn to telemark or snowshoe, yoga in the mornings, tips from pros, welcome cocktails, closing banquet. Sounds overwhelming in a way, but somehow I'm drawn to it (is this like a mosquito heading for the bug zapper?).
So why am I hesitating? It's expensive and I've tried to play the "thrifty spouse" card. But my incredible hubby says go for it. I thought work might be a problem, but I got the days off approved today. Everyone I have asked is encouraging me to go.
So is part of it diabetes? What if....I get up there all by myself and have a severe low? How will my BG's react to 4 days of very different activity? What basal rate will I use? What if I crash and burn and ruin my pump? What if I have a series of lows, have to stop to eat and recover and slow the group down? What if....I get hurt, and noone knows how to take care of me and my diabetes?
All of these are thoughts I would not have had before diabetes. So I have to wonder.... how many of my life choices are being shaped by it? Will I let this be one of them?
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
New Endoc and Other DB Thoughts
Realized that a few diabetes related thoughts have been rolling around in my head lately, and it might do some good to write them out in view of the OC, because I know you understand.
New Endoc
First, I have an appointment scheduled with an new endoc in Feb that is starting to wig me out a bit. I put a lot of thought into considering a change. My current endoc (of 11 + years) is not giving me much input, the dietitian/educator I really liked has moved to an industry position, it takes forever to get my A1C results, current doc is affiliated with a hospital that I will likely never go to (too far), the office is not keeping up with technology...I have to show them how to download my meter readings at times, and the office staff is consistently rude. The new doctor is only 10 minutes away, affiliated with my hospital of choice, and comes well recommended. What I'm wigged out about, deep down, is that he might actually want me to....gasp....change something! Hmmm, that's part of the reason I'm going is that I SAID I wanted more input than I'm getting from my current team. Now the thought of more input, or specificially more expectations for me, is somehow offputting. He might want me to keep logs like Scott does (great job by the way....your records and consistency in keeping them over time are superb).
The Common Cold vs. Diabetes
I've been fighting a cold, and started thinking about the smiliarities between colds and diabetes. They both strike otherwise "healthy" people without warning, affect young and old, and we cannot prevent them even when we take precautions. So why is it that people jump to such conclusions about how we got diabetes but now about how we contracted the common cold? You know what I mean...."Oh, so you ate to much sugar", or "I guess you didn't exercise enough", etc. I guess it's the fact that most everyone has personally experienced a cold, but not personally experienced diabetes.
Perhaps these thoughs are the result of the cold and accompanying fight to keep my BG's in line. Just tested, 339, yuck! Correction boluses are my specialty of late.
New Endoc
First, I have an appointment scheduled with an new endoc in Feb that is starting to wig me out a bit. I put a lot of thought into considering a change. My current endoc (of 11 + years) is not giving me much input, the dietitian/educator I really liked has moved to an industry position, it takes forever to get my A1C results, current doc is affiliated with a hospital that I will likely never go to (too far), the office is not keeping up with technology...I have to show them how to download my meter readings at times, and the office staff is consistently rude. The new doctor is only 10 minutes away, affiliated with my hospital of choice, and comes well recommended. What I'm wigged out about, deep down, is that he might actually want me to....gasp....change something! Hmmm, that's part of the reason I'm going is that I SAID I wanted more input than I'm getting from my current team. Now the thought of more input, or specificially more expectations for me, is somehow offputting. He might want me to keep logs like Scott does (great job by the way....your records and consistency in keeping them over time are superb).
The Common Cold vs. Diabetes
I've been fighting a cold, and started thinking about the smiliarities between colds and diabetes. They both strike otherwise "healthy" people without warning, affect young and old, and we cannot prevent them even when we take precautions. So why is it that people jump to such conclusions about how we got diabetes but now about how we contracted the common cold? You know what I mean...."Oh, so you ate to much sugar", or "I guess you didn't exercise enough", etc. I guess it's the fact that most everyone has personally experienced a cold, but not personally experienced diabetes.
Perhaps these thoughs are the result of the cold and accompanying fight to keep my BG's in line. Just tested, 339, yuck! Correction boluses are my specialty of late.
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